by: Sophia Owl
Dick Week shifts gears, pausing just long enough to discuss society’s stigmas regarding fellatio….
Among some of the worst throw-away insults someone can say to you are, “Suck My Dick,” or “Cocksucker,” or something along the lines of having a penis in one’s mouth. Apparently, this is a bad thing, to perform oral sex on a penis. Of course, if every time someone told you, “Suck My Dick,” you were compelled by forces beyond your control to fellate your insulter, that would certainly be unfortunate and cruel. But beyond this humorous scenario not grounded in reality, I have one question: What is so wrong with sucking dick?
There are Reddit forums where married men lament the fact that fellatio is no longer a part of their wives’ sexual repertoire. There are single men who keep hoping that they find a gal or guy who might enthusiastically delight in performing oral sex on them regularly. There exists a plethora of oral-centric videos on any given porn site illustrating the wonders of a good dick suck. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about dicks and sucking, it’s that most individuals with XY chromosomes love blow jobs. And given the fact that I’ve had numerous conversations with people of both genders who say that they definitely feel more loved and accepted by partners who are willing to go down on them, it makes me think that there is certainly some truth to this idea. Blow jobs are universally cherished.
So why all the insults? If dicks love being sucked, what’s so wrong with sucking them?
First of all, if you are a straight male, not inclined to say, having a dick in your mouth, “Suck My Dick!” could cause the person being insulted to experience a split-second in which their brain envisions a sweaty member stuffed involuntarily into their mouths. And since this insult brings with it such a vivid image, the most imaginative among us would be compelled to violently shake off whatever imagery their brain conjured up. In fact, I don’t think it would be too much of a stretch to assume that all types of people with varying sexualities are not going to be amused with someone barking a sexually-themed insult like this at them. Variations on the slur, such as, “Eat Me,” “Go Fuck Yourself,” or “Get Fucked,” never seem to trump a hastily-spat “Suck My Dick!” Thus, it is easy to assume that the barb in question is disrespectful because it’s imploring someone to perform a sex act against their will. Which, when you think about it, sounds pretty depressing and downright rapey, leading me to fully understand why this phrase would be a terrible thing to say to someone.
But let’s dig deeper. “Suck My Dick!” doesn’t just exist on a purely superficial and reactionary level because, like an onion, there are layers to its meaning. There exists within this insult a suggestion that performing oral sex on a man is degrading for the performer. I can think of two things that can be assumed from this:
- Fellatio is always disgusting or otherwise not entirely pleasant for the giver. ((Because penises are “gross”? ; Because oral sex requires terrible articles like this to coax straight women into performing it? ; Because it sounds complicated? ; Because people don’t know how to talk about it with their partner? ; Because it is complicated? ))
- Straight women and gay men are the two largest groups of people who would be inclined to perform oral sex on a man.
And with this in mind, “Suck My Dick!” is degrading because many close-minded people generally imply that a dick in one’s mouth is an acquired taste, and therefore inherently unpleasant. Or, only straight women and gay men (apparently) like to suck dick. And if you are being compared to a straight woman or a gay man, you are being marginalized, effeminized, and shamed. What a world we live in….
“Suck My Dick!” can also be viewed as insulting because of variety of fellatio we see so often in pornography. When perusing the aisles of the seedy underworld of porn, I routinely encounter women gagging on penises, choking and drooling, and making inhuman noises as their eyes water. Sometimes, it’s the woman you’ll see who shoves the penis into the farthest recesses of her throat, but more often than nought, it’s the man playing hide the sausage deep within a woman’s face. Often there is violent jostling. Many times, the woman looks unhappy, and for a viewer concerned with the ethics of ogling mutually beneficial sex acts, this trend is disconcerting. If the demands for violent oral sex are truly as high as the supply, then society’s idea of what is sexy about oral sex is fairly perplexing and furthers the idea of “Suck My Dick” possessing a demeaning power. Thinking of the insult this way, it can become, “Kneel on the floor and choke while you involuntarily drool on my member as I rail you in the face like I’m mining your tonsil with a jackhammer.” Some people like being treated this way. Most do not.
All that being said, under circumstances that are good for both partners, and, when not used as an insult, why do I so often get the feeling that being open about being an enthusiastic performer of oral sex is still a bad thing? To me, it appears that the Madonna-Whore complex is still alive and well in our society.
This notion of admiring and placing unrealistic values on a woman’s chastity, while wanting to possess her sexually and then devalue her once she’s been “sullied” by sex is a common cycle that starts for woman as early as middle school ((http://www.rollingstone.com/culture/news/sexting-shame-and-suicide-20130917)). To put such an extreme importance on something (sex), to the point that it permeates everything in the media, is overbearing and often problematic. Mainstream society has made way for the hypersexual, posturing woman who is super “out” about having a vagina, but only conditionally. It’s okay that she is straight. Or if she dates only one guy at a time. It’s okay if she is coy and chooses sexual partners carefully or if she likes sex–a little. No one minds if she doesn’t talk about sex, at all. If she is sexually submissive, or at least not too dominant. If she doesn’t like it too much. Or if she, as society would assume, has to be coaxed into performing oral sex.
But what if she loves the D? What if no one can stop her from rolling around in bed, having a fantastic time with anyone she chooses? What if she loves giving oral sex?
It could happen to anyone who likes having sex with men. Are they then to be labeled a slut? Or a skank? Are they, quite literally, a cocksucker?
Because that’s the next insult that gives me pause, a word we alluded to earlier. “Cocksucker,” as an insult, is very all-purpose. It applies to anyone who needs to be insulted.
Did your boss yell at you?
Did your dog poop on the floor?
You dumb little Cocksucker!
Being a cocksucker is a pretty low-level entity. No one wants to be called a cocksucker.
But why? What is so wrong with the literal translation–of someone who performs oral sex on a man? Is it the enthusiasm? The frequency? The willingness? The enjoyment of it?
Insulting any of those qualities in a person who performs oral sex is perplexing because, as we all know, most men love receiving oral sex. If most men love receiving oral sex, then why would being a person who is happy to give it to them under consensual circumstances one of the lowest forms of being human? Is it because most “cocksuckers” are female? Or gay and male?
Doesn’t this demonization of those who suck cock from time to time seem counterproductive to the cause? In fact, “cocksucker,” according to the demand for people willing to do the job, should be some kind of high praise, right? Imagine it:
I got a raise!
Way to go, Cocksucker!
I mean, if all these men (or so I hear) walk around all day delighting in the idea of someone performing oral sex on them, then what’s wrong with it? Or is it just the fact that the person hurling the insult is terrified of the idea of having a penis in their mouth, so they wish it on others?
Let’s call a spade a spade. Male-bodied people running around yelling, “Suck it!” to whomever they please, is strange. And if some people think the worst thing that you can be in public is someone who is known to like penis, that is also peculiar. And if being a woman or man who deeply enjoys being with men sexually is actually secretly thought of as a bad, dirty thing, that is extremely confusing and weird.
I am of the opinion that there is nothing wrong with liking whatever it is that you like. Unless it’s insulting everyone else for what they like, or otherwise hurting someone. Our culture is extremely sex-obsessed. So, for the life of me, I can’t figure out what the problem is if you actually like having sex. Especially with men. What’s wrong with sucking dick? You tell me. I’m certainly not going to shame you for liking it.
It’s that the people making that comment see it as a way to hurt/belittle/gain power over someone else which is degrading and many men who don’t talk like that out loud have that thought in their minds because they’re taught to see it in that way and a literal interpretation of that insult is rape. As someone who’s been sexually abused and raped through childhood, including orally raped and mocked over the fact relentlessly by one of my abusers, even the thought of it alone makes me want to die. I think the thing people find wrong with oral sex is the perspective you just described, the arrogant, insulting perspective.
It’s not funny, imagine if the worst person you know could force you to do that when saying the insult. I noticed you mentioned that would be funny, well as someone who’s been abused for years it isn’t funny and you’re as much of a low-life for saying that would be funny as the type of men who make this appalling comments
UKFemale – I agree with you 100% – it’s degrading – which is one of the main points of my piece. I’m very sorry to hear that my writing triggered painful memories for you. As a survivor of abuse myself, it is impossible to know what might dredge up horrible feelings and flashbacks until it’s too late. The nature of my piece was, of course, to analyze the proliferation of this insult, and to point out the absurdity of its prevalence within the vernacular. It must be very difficult to have to hear it every now and again. Perhaps the way in which I poke fun at the concept could be misconstrued as too lighthearted, or even condoning, but, if you have the stomach to sift through again, I assure you that I abhor this idiotic phrase, and wish people would stop using it.
It sounds as though your childhood wounds remain fresh. A piece like this, peppered with something you had to hear from your abuser, would certainly send anyone into a state of distress. Personally, I have benefited enormously from counseling. I suggest the RAINN website: rainn.org as a starting point for addressing your trauma. If, as your name implies, you are in the UK, you can also try the following websites: http://www.lifecentre.uk.com/counselling/lead_counselling.html, http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/, http://www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists/
These are just a few places to start.
Best of luck to you as you continue to recover – but may I suggest that you avoid triggers as much as possible in the meantime? Don’t torture yourself!
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