by: Michael Bradford
Threes Company as 2 sisters encounter the patent holder……
Open Black : Sounds of a bustling NYC coffee shop .
Woman (VO) Thick Dallas accent of the church going doey-eyed type.
I am bible serious right now, I truly believe he is listening to us right this minute. That is IT, isn’t it! That is what that thing on this head is doing … mercy me, would you ever even have imagined?
Woman # 2 (VO) woman, Dallas accent but not as affected. 10 yrs in NY. She is the jaded one.
Really want me to answer that?
Dawn matter. That is IT, I just know it, and he is recording all of this – oh my Lord, I have been sayin things to you, things I would never dare ask the good Lord above ‘s grace to forgive.
Woman # 2 (VO)
Jesus H, Fern, would you stop this? Really? Him? THAT GUY OVER THERE?
Heavens to Betsy will you stop that pointing!
(Sounds of a scuffle and forks hitting the floor)
Reveal: Two attractive and polished women of means in their mid 50s, in a downtown coffee house in Manhattan, both VERY engaged in trying to pretend they are not checking out a hipsterish young man wearing old school headphones and typing away at a new laptop. They are pouring tea from a pot as he pours orange juice from carton.
You stop that pointing, are you out of your mind?
I’d ask you that same thing if I wasn’t already certain I knew the answer.
Just…stop – drawin -attention to us, would you do that for me please? As a favor, please…
Good grief, I can not, for the life of me, tell if it’s a nice strong cocktail you need or just a strong cock with a nice tail. I would recommend a combination of the two.
He is a CHILD . No lawyer in this city has a private investigator that looks like the high school freshman version of Ashton Kutcher . And besides, that jackass is too cheap to hire one. Christs sake Fern, would you please, for the love of all things Good and Holy, stop watching those god damn Bourn with Matt Damon’s Identity movies. You, especially, are in no state to handle that garbage.
Woman (mad but then turns emotional and at the end frantic)
You know that is UN fair. I told you three times, it was the ONLY movie on Delta for weeks now, and you know full well I can NOT sleep in those satanic silver bullet sky coffins with wings… so tell me, what was I meant to do, watch it without sound? You REALLY want me to start connecting the devils dots in the dark like that? And I am sayin that all this (waves around dismissively ) would make sense, HE would do this to you, he would, and I blame myself for not double checking to see if we were being followed here in that rear mirrah, and, mary me for saying all that stuff out loud just now and feel like we have been tricked by Lucifers loin and I feel just almighty awful about it, and I am sooo sorry.
Fern, I need you to pull yourself together for me, ok, can you do that?
Woman (Crying a little)
This is the last time I am going to tell you this: remember plugging something that looked exactly like what he has on his head into that big ass Hummer yellow plastic brick called a Walkman ? Remember ? You used it to listen to Buddy Holly every hour day and night until the tape broke?
YES! I do! And that is EXACTLY my point, good lord, why do you forever choose not to listen to me?! When was the last time you saw one of those Walkedmen ? Its all ApplePods and those ear nubs that the CIA use. So why would he have that on his head? Seriously, why?
Woman #2 (sighs in exasperation)
I don’t know Fern, he has a thing for the 80s maybe?
Its cause those are not headphones from the dark ages, its (whispering) the WHISPER EAR.
My god, really? He is probably listening to some book on tape learning how to talk Chinese – or better still, learning how to teach kids how those people shout at each other all day in that god for saken jibberish.
Woman (still rubber necking the man but leaning in to a whisper)
Good lord, Martha, he is drinking ORANGE JUICE at a coffee shop! I mean for heavens sake… its just so obvious!
Christ on wheels…
Woman (offended for real) (This is delivered with comedic and dramatic super rapid fire pace)
Just a quick little reminder – it IS still Easter Sunday and as such means it is STILL our dearest Lord and everlasting Savior Jesus Christ’s most very important special day – which, just in case you may have forgotten, is recognized as such – all over this great country of ours in those places where god fearing Christians are not unfairly treated as the obese and mild-to severely-retarded dangers to themselves and other street going pedestrians as they are here in this great city you live in – recognized with large gatherings of good and kind like-minded souls that cherish god and family first but also all of their friends – especially those friends that do not have neck tattoos or ear lobes pierced in that super special way that – when the ring is removed- very much resemble flesh colored gummy worms that have been mushed into circles and safety pinned to the wire ringed spine of a note book shaped like a county fair funnel cake – gatherings that are held in clean , well lit spaces, typically adorned with pastel floral arrangements and most importantly of all, filled with the heavenly sounds of gleeful laughter from smartly dressed children which they commonly emit while running across yards of green grass and through bushes laden with decoratively painted oval shaped objects that while in nearly every way resemble Grade A farm fresh chicken eggs differ in one very important and special way in being made of plastic and serving as containers not for the unborn of one of gods eaten creatures, but individually wrapped chocolates and candies, themselves in every outwardly way appearing to be gods womb for the lesser and therefore rightly consumed of his wild kingdom. These celebrations, again, just as a reminder, do happen, are happening in fact, on this very day. All because of one man. A special and singular man….A man from Nazareth. A man named Jesus. So I would just love it if you would please quit takin his holy name in vain for the sorry sake of your own slanderous and selfish pleasure…because I will have you know that it is a FACT that people only use cursin swear words in order to fill in that awful dark void that is left when Jesus his graceful self has been not yet welcomed into or worse yet banished from their foolish hearts.
Woman # 2 (pause)
Not one single thing you just said made me feel a stitch better about telling you to cut back on those meds… my word.
Woman (Leering at the boy again and leaning in to her and getting a little more playful)
But be honest with me now, I mean come on, do you really think those whisper ears just up and vanished? Into thin air? Think about THAT for a city slickin second – It’s the thin air that all these spy-like gadgets THRIVE on- you know, to hear things…covertly and such.
Woman #2 (Incredulous)
Please tell me you did not throw those pills in the garbage.
I will not. Because to lie to you is to lie to God. And that I will never do.
Woman #2 (forehead drops in hands, then looking up, with hands cupping her chin)
You have officially gone off the reservation.
Woman (hurt but mustering her resilience )
I am going to give you one free cheek turn for that because I am a good Christian and I know that wedding ring tan line look you’re so embarrassed of flaunting uptown is making you as crazy as, I hope you know, is making me FURIOUS.
Don’t you go worrying about my finger before minding that lonely paw of your own.
Im just sayin – Dang it all to heck if I am not mad as the dickens at that….well, that SOB … and shoot I am just going to say it, but only for you to hear me say it now and only because I am as sure as the day is long that God’s good children are clearly not among us below 34th – that its BULLCRAP.
Its bad luck you got. That man was a bastard.
Woman #2 (smiles)
Well, I thank you for that. Really, I do.
But girl you are a woman now, and skipping out on Easter church service is really more than I can take but I know that you missing out on the biggest and most important tradition of the Lutheran Ladies of the Upper East Side’s distressed damsels drunken brunch-in just so we can cower like a couple of two bit harlots hidin out in the church’s basement bathroom on Easter Sunday is NOT right. Its just NOT.
Is there really another bathroom down there?
And one more thing, I hope you realize it’s only because you eat like a sparrow lost at sea that makes you look like one of those unfortunate native babies in the jungle Sally Struthers cant shut up her dang her mouth about – first term and showin but not even close to glowin. That’s just a shame.
Fuck me, is Sally Struttin-Hers really still milkin that safari spokes-model gig?
Woman (concern face turns to disgust)
Well, you just have not a drop of Christ’s charitable sympathy in your dried up little size zero chest, do you now?
Woman # 2 (having fun with it)
Tell you what, that’s good work if you can find it – ole hen her age?
Lost you are, Martha. LOST, And I just can not bare witness to it.
Woman # 2 (nearly laughing)
You know I heard when she goes down there to Africa they put her up in one of those Tom-Cruise-Movie-Set-Trailer-Park-Mansions. You know the kind – you used to PRAY for one of those…
Woman (sighs heavy but still persists)
Nevertheless and above all else – I am your sister and I love you and I will be with you always but we have GOT to get OUT of here.
(jumps and YELPS)
Sweet Mary and Joseph! I do believe a beast of Satan just bit my leg clean through my best pair of Sunday hose!
Woman #2 (actually hurt)
Those hose are mine and you know it. And HE bought them so I very much doubt they were the best of anything…except but her hand me downs.
(checks out the guy with the headphones until he catches her eye and smiles as she looks away)
You really think hes been listening to us? This WHOLE conversation ?
Woman (does a nervously less than subtle check in . sees him looking and smiling their way and looks away embarrassed for having been caught staring)
(hushed and leaning in)
Lord knows I do!
Woman #2 (gearing up for a jab)
Well then, I hope he hears me say this: (loud but not too loud) I think it would do you a world of good will if he came over here and gave you a shot at something you need more than I do.
Woman (sighs heavily)
Listen here, ok, I KNEW Nicole brown and she was a wayward soul JUST like you when she picked up that poor boy at that ‘iced crimed’ parlor – one that was JUST like this.
(they both pause and woman #2 gives a WTF was that look, looking side to side at the coffee shop)
And you Know what that Ron boy was doing that very day? Pouring himself a glass of ORANGE JUICE…it was OJ, Martha!
Woman #2 (mockingly serious)
No! GET OUT !
(laughs for sake of screaming)
So now this secret spy boy just went from Kato K to Ron G?
(again Woman #2 eyes the man with a come hither look Having made confident eye contact with Woman #2, the man stands, and approaches.)
Woman (doesn’t see him)
You know that’s not at all what I –
Oh lord no, here he comes, hush up…(under breath ) oh Jesus lord help us…
(Woman looks down yet cant help but look up while woman #2 looks directly at him.with animal sex in her eyes .)
Woman (under her breath)
I told you, I just knew it. He heard it all.
(looking up and doing a mini four pointed finger cross on her chest )
Oh holy father, we are going straight to hell but please forgive us…..
Excuse me but I couldn’t help but notice that you two both seem to be blatantly aware that I am wearing a whisper ear device and writing down everything you two were just saying so I have to admit I am disappointed in that last part.
Woman (looks up with the bugged out fear of god eyes and slaps Woman #2 on the arm, turning to her in terror and MOUTH’S THE WORD “ NO!!” She turns back and addresses the man)
Well I have to admit I am disappointed in YOU for saying that, Mr ….Mr whoever you are. In fact, actually I am soooo glad you came over here because that was exactly what I wanted to – that was why I – well – I am just so – well I am so glad you came over here –
You mentioned that before.
Excuse me? Before? Before when? (frantic ) When I came in? (more frantic) what did I mention?? (to her sister, absolutely terrified MOUTHS ” what is he SAYING??”)
The glad part, you mentioned that twice but before you say it again, I have to apologize. I was just kidding.
Woman (Flustered beyond and now offended)
Right, kidding, Of course you were, cause a lady’s privacy is all a big joke to you, I’m sure but I will have you know- say that once more? Kidding about what?
I was only teasing. In fact I am chuffed you have even heard of the whisper ear!
(Woman nervously makes light of her embarrassment by way of very “see through” flighty laughter intimating she was in on the joke the whole time . He silently alludes to the empty seat with a “may I” head nod and a “I want you” glint in his eye to Woman. She stone walls him, looking to Woman #2 , He then turns the same bedroom eyes on Woman #2 and nods to the chair)
Man (to Woman #2)
You are expecting an-?
Woman (interrupts with a SOAP OPERA GASP)
YOU.,,,, SCOUNDREL,, HOW DARE ,,,.
Woman (turns to Woman #2)
What did I TELL you!?!?! Oh Lord have mercy on us now.
(Turns to Man)
You, low down, DOG of a –how DARE you!
Woman #2 (takes charge-cold)
I was fitting to apologize for my sister here,….but you actually just lost me too. Do you mind?
(Woman frantically pulls out a cigarette and fumbles for a light. Man provides a match book with an ease that sets her even more off balance)
They are all yours mam but you cant smoke in here. And I really should have introduced myself properly.
Yes you rightly should have but for the love of Peter AND Paul please don’t NOW for mercy’s sake, but we thank you all the same, and a good day to you sir.
(Man nods in deference to Woman and then calmly checks in with Woman #2 as he stands back prepared to walk away….With his eye , same “may I?”head nod to the chair, same bedroom eyes to Woman#2)
(Woman #2 nods an invite to take the chair)
Truth be told , I actually AM wearing a Whisper Ear.
Woman (silent gasp)
Its just that the air in here is so thin, I am picking up more of the bus boys in the back cursing in Spanglish than anything really juicy…..
That is EEEE- Nufff, God above, I swear it, I am one second from screaming red – PLEASE LEAVE US AL…..
Woman # 2 (to Woman)
Oh stop it, Jesus H, you put a finger on all this – don’t you want to hear it out? Frankly I am shocked at that…
Woman (to him)
Oh I GOT that part mister secret agent man-child, and that is exactly why I am calling the-
FERN!. (to him) SO… you are here now and you best get to it cause you should already know you really do have about 60….city-slickin seconds…..
I own the patent. The whisper ear. It was my fathers brain child and now I’m here testing the 3000 model but you don’t have to laugh, I know, It’s a lost cause. Extinct brand. Crazy how it really just kinda disappeared …
Woman (white as a ghost) (whispering)
Into thin air, did it?
I was gonna say without a trace…but that’s exactly right – no one buys them, hardly any one of the few that did still uses them. Funny tho, It actually works. Kinda.
Woman # 2 (intrigued)
So…..Did you really hear what we were talking about?
Woman (leaning in)
In Jesus name, son, God is always watching…Did you hear?
Well, lets just say, I hope for my mother’s sake the ladies in that spa on 75 h and Lex are not anything like how you describe them..
Woman (silent gasp , leaning back and clutching her cross necklace)
Mo-ther of PEARL, you weasel, I WILL sue you.
Woman #2 (laughing) (to him)
You really heard that?
It was really loud there for a minute and while I must confess the product is not perfect the issues you seem to have with Brazilian waxes are really disturbing to say the least and this is exactly why I approached you two-
Oh my HEAVENLY FATHER, I think I am having myself a genuine spell, I am – I am going to faint, I am calling the po-lice this instant.
No you aren’t…(to him) not unless you fuck this up. (smiles coy)
Well, I never, me oh my I NEVER – I will not, I CAN not allow myself to believe you are bible swearing serious…. Gracious god above –you are!! Oh that’s just IT woman, you have truly done lost your WAY. Look at him! The dark angel is present and you are… my word – are you FLIRTING?!?!?
I am. And the fact is so are you. And I am all the way into both of you if you are open to it.
I will not DEFILE my CHIS-T-ANITY by presuming I have even the slightest notion of what you are saying right now….
Woman # 2 (game)
How – EXACTLY – does one achieve that kind of ….openness?
Only with your expertise…
(The two women exchange glances)
Woman #2 ( playful affecting her sisters much more old school southern manners — but laced with sex faced innuendo)
Well, heavens me, I had no idea it was just that black and white, sir.
Man (playful affecting the same manners laced with sex faced innuendo)
No mam, its not. But we put them two colors together and I promise yall, we’ll turn every shade of grey green with envy for ever having stopped at 50.