by: Frederick Foote

Introducing the latest tool for aspiring writers: The Writing Workshops Comments Translator (WWCT)…

After decades of hard work and thousands of failures, I had finally created a Writing Workshops Comments Translator (WWCT). While attending several workshops where my work was being evaluated, I tested out my new device. Below are the results:

Note: In parenthesis can be found the WWCT’s translations.

“It’s about sex, isn’t it?”
(“Your work is always about sex.”)

“I love the alliteration.”
(“Of two words in one sentence and nothing else.”)

“It’s a great start.”
(“Especially if it ends here.”)

“I much prefer this version.”
(“To being stabbed in the eye with a sharp stick.”)

“It reminds me of Hemingway.”
(“Milton Hemingway. The meat market’s short-fingered butcher.”)

“Your work is the essence of the existential erotic.”

“Your work truly moved me.”
(“Better than Ex-lax.”)

“You should definitely submit this.”
(“To a deep and clandestine grave.”)

“You have such an amazing way with words.”
(“You are an inspiration in your ability to misuse them.”)

“You display persistent, powerful imagery.”
(“The dead fish image, repeated ad nauseam, stinks to high heaven.”)

“It is genuinely an avant-garde, cutting-edge work.”
(“What the hell is this shit?”)

“Your work is truly unique.”
(“As are you.”)

“I can’t wait to read the next chapter.”
(“With any luck I’ll go blind before I get to the next chapter.”)

“It is a cliffhanger.”
(“That deserves to plunge off the cliff and never be seen again.”)

“It is such a deep and complex work that it gives one pause.”
(“Completely incomprehensible.”)

“It is Shakespearean in scope.”
(“A tragic waste of words.”)

“It left me shaking and in tears.”
(“Shaking in frustration with tears of outrage at your extensive abuses of the English language.”)

“I would love to read more of your work.”
(“In a year or so after I recover from this one.”)

“You definitely have what it takes to be successful commercially.”
(“In any business that does not require writing.”)

“You have an amazing and diverse set of characters.”
(“Yet, they all sound exactly alike.”)

“Your story is a powerful and graphic voyage into the underbelly of illicit sex in our society.”

“I love the cinema graphic nature of your work.”
(“Your writing would work better if it were drawn with crayons.”)

“Tolstoy comes to mind when reading your work.”
(“As an escape.”)

“Your work has a certain air about it.”

“Your settings are to die for.”
(“They certainly are killing me.”)

“Your words had a powerful effect on me.”
(“Including nausea, a searing headache, and projectile vomiting.”)

“I would be honored to write a blurb for your book.”
(“Even more, I would love to write an epitaph or a eulogy for your work.”)

At the end of my experiment, I retreated to my abode and have remained there in near total darkness for the last three months. My WWCT (patent pending) is available for rental or long-term lease. All bids/offers will be given serious considerations.

Disclaimer: Use of the WWCT may result in serious unintended side effects including, but not limited to, pain, suffering, loss of confidence, despair, self-hatred, hatred of others, hypertension, facial tics, constipation and hair loss.

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