by: Sarah Fader
The life-affirming pain of heartbreak. Sometimes the hurt is the only thing that’s real…
As the car pulled up before me my heart raced. I was excited to see you. I was nervous. What would it be like? The last time we saw each other the energy between us was electric. Your fingers caressed my lower back and I remember every second of the way you touched me.
We were two people brought together by an uncontrollable force. Our chemistry was palpable.
And then you let me go.
You returned to a broken cabin rather than staying with me. My hand was outstretched, ready for you to take it. But you turned your back on me and walked away.
Still, I drove to see you. Though you left me, I never left you. I pulled the car around and there you were. I put my arms around you and held you. You were shaking. You said you were cold. I knew it was a lie. You were afraid of me.
Why? What scares you? The fact that I love you?
We drove to a restaurant. I sat across from you as you drank a beer, searching out your gaze for a soft spot I once knew. Your eyes were cold until I said something about a TV show that made you smile. It was then that I caught your half smile. Your bright blue eyes lit up before me and I remembered once more why I loved you.
I sat next to you and put my head on your shoulder. I felt your body tighten up. You were afraid of me again. But then you put your hand on mine. I asked you softly if this was the last time we would see each other.
You didn’t think so. “We’ll meet again,” you said.
We drove back to the house and sat in the backyard. We kissed passionately.
“I’m sad,” you said as I sat in your lap and you held me.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because this ends,” you replied.
“I don’t want it to,” I said.
“I know,” you replied.
I drove you to the train station. I kissed you and held you. I didn’t want to let you go.
“I’m going to fall asleep on you,” you said.
“Maybe we could do that for real sometime.” I said.
“Maybe,” you replied.
We held each other.
We said goodbye.
“I’ll text you,” you said.
That was the last time I ever saw you.
Thank you for teaching me how to love again. I had forgotten about my heart. Even though you broke it, I’m glad to feel the pain. Because I know it exists. As the blood drips down my chest I remember it all. Why did you tell me we would meet again only to push me out of your life? Why did you tell me you loved me? This lie minimized our connection. Unless you felt nothing for me.
Love means you are courageous in the face of adversity. I fought for you. I stood up for the love I had for you and yet you question why I continue to love you.
I’m only walking away because of your silence.
That is where this ends.