Effective Immediately: Smartphone Ban

by: Art Rosch

The fallout from the demise of the smartphone was worse than we could have ever imagined….


August, 2015

Smartphones are done. It’s over. In thirty days the mandatory phase-out begins. All cell phones will be handed over at specified retail collection points. The research has finally proven decisively that cell phones cause serious brain damage. This recall is the largest disaster response in the history of consumer electronics. Negotiations for consumer refunds have been bitter. Apple, Samsung, LG and Nokia have fielded an army of lawyers backed by unlimited resources and funds to hack out the so-called “50/50 Bill.” A complex algorithm has been devised to assess the value of an owner’s cell phone that arrives at a figure that is worth half the value of the original phone. Every consumer who returns a phone will fill out a form describing its condition and features, but word has spread that this so-called refund was actually designed by the MIA Insurance Group and is just as difficult to obtain. Unfortunately, it has already been demonstrated during test recalls that at least sixty-eight percent of phone owners won’t bother attempting to get their money back.

Media commercials for smartphones have completely ceased. The vast absence of ad space created by this advertising vacuum will be filled with inspirational music by musicians Yanni and Clannad. Media conglomerates have taken a gigantic hit in advertising revenues. The consumer marketplace needs new products and it needs them fast. Writers, engineers and advertisers are working at top speed to fill the void.

The most promising ideas are coming from the automotive industry. Vietnamese corporation NguyenGiap is preparing a luxury sedan with a fifty-two inch FlexVision LED. Features include high-speed Wi-Fi, online bill payment, 3200 channels of cloud-based programming and an array of Pay-Per-View specials. The screen and speakers will be seamlessly integrated into the vehicle by replacing the front windshield with the television screen and using complex, real-time sensing GPS systems to drive the cars automatically. A picture-in-picture real time image of the driving conditions will remain in order to prevent passenger claustrophobia. A “dummy” steering wheel is also featured in order to convey to the passenger a sense of control and driving pleasure. NguyenGiap’s design team has seemingly pulled off a brilliant coup in merging the auto and entertainment industries.

UPDATE: February, 2016

The degree of emotional and somatic shock was not anticipated when consumers were separated from their smartphones. The most common symptoms experienced were anxiety, rage and feelings of powerlessness. Therapists all over the world have mobilized in response to this crush of emotions but the response so far has been inadequate. Consumers have been going into fugue states, gazing intently into empty space while their thumbs shake with greater and greater agitation. Advanced measures to combat this complex disorder are now being taken. Pfizer Pharmaceuticals is testing an anti-spasmodic/SSRI medication to reduce these symptoms. In addition, consumers are also being prescribed “dummy” phones by their physicians to alleviate the symptoms of what is now called “Texter Reflex Muscle Memory Syndrome.” On the street, this behavior is simply called “Textremor.”

The “dummy” phones have been programmed with several hundred generic messages, such as “See you at home,” “Tht ws wild lst nite,” “Is he/she cute?,” “Did U do it?,” “Gt any E?,” “Did yr doc sign yr pot ticket?,” and so forth. These messages are randomly  chosen by the “dummy” phones basic software and appear on screens to provide the illusion that users are connected to their friends. If a consumer were to write a response, the texting interface appears to work, but of course, it is not receiving or transmitting. The therapy has had mixed results, but since the murder of Yanni and the disappearance of Clannad, Pfizer has been given the green light by the FDA to widely distribute the new medication. It will be marketed under the name Gonetwitch CR. ((Header art is, of course, a Banksy.))

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