A work of fiction that foretells of what awaits immediately upon arrival in the blessed land beyond…
by: Rory O’Neill
Dear Applicant,
We appreciate your interest in joining us here in the blessed land beyond. Unfortunately, due to a high volume of applications and a constantly shifting cultural moral compass, we are unable to respond to each candidate individually. Thank you for your understanding, and for taking the time to put yourself out there.
In an attempt to streamline our judicial process, we have attached a document for you to fill out at your earliest convenience. Please circle any items that you feel apply to your lived experience. We will not tell you if any of the listed items are a good thing or a bad thing, and we ask that you refrain from responding to this notice with leading questions about what we would pick, because we won’t tell you. Any prayers directed at this account will go directly to our spam folder. Again, this is due to the high volume of applications.
LUST
- Lust, acted upon
- Lust, not acted upon but wow, you wish it had been
- Saw the same person on three different dating apps, matched every time, but never said anything to each other, deleted dating apps, redownloaded, saw them again, and chose to match yet again because maybe this time it’ll be different
- At 13 years old, sent a text to your crush as if your best friend “took your phone and was texting to say that she likes you, she’s just too afraid to say something,” when really you wrote the text, edited it, and sent it, and your best friend was nowhere near this whole process
- Got nervous while hooking up with someone, subsequently went nonverbal with only an occasional interjection of a meaningless yet true “you’re so hot” to fill the silence, said thank you after the fact
GLUTTONY
- Snuck handfuls of semisweet chocolate chips, desperate for a hit of sugar (ages 5-12 only)
- Stole from the Whole Foods hot bar, but checked out as if it was a piece of produce so you weren’t technically stealing, if you really think about it
- Ate your groceries, all of them, before they got “weird” in the fridge
- Passed an entire day only eating beige and brown foods
- Saw a recipe on Instagram reels, sent it to a friend, said, “OMG we have to try this,” agreed to do dinner on Thursday, went to the store and got half of the ingredients, then remembered you had a Hinge date on Thursday that you didn’t want to have to reschedule for a third time because you were actually pretty interested in them, things just kept coming up, so you cancel with your friend, but by the time you can find a time for dinner that works for both of you, the kale that you got for your half of the recipe had gone completely limp, and everything else is looking pretty bad too, now that you’re really thinking about it, so you toss all of the ingredients and open a box of Annie’s Mac and Cheese
GREED
- Stole from the Whole Foods hot bar without even checking out because you’re not giving any corporation, and certainly not that one, a goddamn cent
- Sat in the aisle seat next to an empty window seat on a crowded bus so that nobody could sit next to you
- Had an entire conversation without bringing up a personal anecdote or fact about yourself
- Finished a roll of toilet paper without replacing it for your roommates
- Venmo requested 85 cents for a sumo tangerine you shared with a friend
- Donated one million dollars to the charity of your choice just because it seemed like a nice thing to do 🙂
SLOTH
- Lied about having COVID to get out of social plans for a bit
- Ran a mile in any amount of time faster than 10 minutes
- Weighed if your human needs, such as hunger and thirst, or your comfort in bed was more pressing, decided that your comfort in bed was far more important, and if you’re asleep you aren’t aware that you’re hungry/thirsty/etc, so it’s probably fine
- Ordered an uber for a ride under 4 minutes, and the weather was completely beautiful out
ENVY
- Zoomed in on an enemy’s selfie to determine if it’s edited, and by how much
- Noticed that your ex was posting vague things on their story, not necessarily of another person, but the sort of vibe that maybe there was another person next to them while they took this photo of the beach at sunset or the produce section at the farmer’s market or the picnic blanket artfully in the grass, so you go to their Spotify to see if they have any followers that you don’t recognize from when you were together, and there’s nothing that sticks out, but while you’re there you do see a new playlist with one like titled “for you!,” and there’s shit like “Harvest Moon” and “Our House” on it, and even though you broke up a year and four months and 18 days ago you’re like, damn, okay, I was allowed to move on but you obviously were not (the unspoken rule of a breakup), so you open your notes app and draft a message that is perfectly crafted to make them feel bad about both how they treated you and what they’re missing out on. Sent message, closed phone and laptop, slept peacefully, did not think about if their new partner was hotter than you
- (Check only if Brie Larson) Portrayed Scott Pilgrim’s ex girlfriend in hit movie Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
- Said “I’m so happy for you!” when, in fact, you were not so happy for someone
WRATH
- Made a secret other group chat without someone in order to talk shit, did not accidentally send a mean message to the person themself
- Called a woman a bitch
- Called a woman bitch, in a fun gay way
- Participated in a martial art
- Verbally justified your placement in the ensemble upon seeing a cast list posted in the hallway outside of the high school theatre room
PRIDE
- Wrote a cover letter that was no better than getting down on your hands and knees and begging for a job
- Liked your own Instagram post, but after enough people had liked it that your username wouldn’t show up as the very first one that people see when scrolling through their feeds
- Didn’t know what to say in a social situation, despite AND/OR because nobody else was saying anything either, so instead you let an uncomfortable silence fill the space, the longer it went on the more impossible it felt to penetrate, to a point where you were like, well, is it better to keep this horrible vibe going or should I talk about how cold it is outside
If and when your time comes, please arrive at your judgement with a completed questionnaire, wherein one of our angelic guides will assess your responses and decide what your next steps will be. Please direct any questions in prayer to our recruitment team, and again, please do not try to game the system, because we have very little time for trickery like that.
We appreciate your patience and cooperation with this process.
Best,
The Placement Committee at the Pearly Gates, Central Branch
Rory O’Neill is a writer and artist based in Boston. Rory’s plays can be found on New Play Exchange.
