The Book of Tom: A Starving Artist’s Guide to Life and the Afterlife

by: Tom Rau

Verse 1:1

You are but a poor soul with a dream. Don’t ever forget it. That is your mantra. And it isn’t about motivating your creativity and tapping into some beautiful bright energy. I am just telling you what is up and what is down. I am not Deepak Chopra. I am not Tony Robbins. I am not here to motivate your creativity. I’m just telling you you have $84.33 in the bank and you have to eat for the next three weeks. This is how it is in The Book of Tom: A Starving Artist’s Guide to Life and the Afterlife. One day your car is going to break down, you aren’t going to be able to get it fixed because you are destitute, and to top it all off you are super high, because clearly somehow you still managed to buy a huge sack of weed. So yeah, you are poor, you are high, and you are extra fucking hungry. It’s times like this you wish you had your own Wendy’s.

Food is scarce. It’s like the zombie apocalypse. There’s a lot of shit out there but most of it will fucking kill you. You can still tell people you shop at Whole Foods1. I’m not an unreasonable man. This is a very loose system. but in the middle of the night when no one is watching you need to creep on over to Food Lion and do some first rate bargain shopping.  You are a (wo)man on the run. Unfortunately, you are also an artist, which means you are lazy as shit. I’m going to give you what I believe to be the largest quantity of separate dishes you can make with the least amount of ingredients, health, and time. But first you gotta…

Buy a rice cooker!

Again you are an artist, and a starving one. You should be spending all of your money on drugs, only the minimal amount can be spent on “real world sustenance”. The rice cooker however, is a tool of necessity.  And you certainly can’t be trusted to watch the pot, you might nod off; or decide twelve hours of Skyrim is good for your creativity. And what if you have to, god forbid, cook dinner for a member of the opposite sex2. A rice cooker is like the kid in high school that did his homework right when he got home from school. It is better than you right now. Don’t be a racist. Let that motherfucker rice you.

Grocery list:

chicken3, rice, beans, tortillas, ,salsa, eggs, bread. garlic, onion, olive oil,, sriracha, hot sauce

Bonus: tomatoes, peppers, soy sauce, sesame oil

Purchase all of stuff listed above4. If the chicken is cheap buy as much of it as you can. Your freezer is for more than just ice cream, action figures, and exploding cans of beer. And don’t listen to the hippies who say don’t eat the hormonal chicken. You can worry about your health when you are on the cover of Rolling Stone.  $1.89 breasts aren’t something you see everyday. And if you do you need to move into a neighborhood with a higher class of prostitute. Being a starving artist is no excuse for  taste.

 

I hope you have tupperware. If not find a Chinese restaurant and get some soup to go. Watch out for Cylons5  If you make it home you will have an Instant Food Storage Containment Device. Repeat as needed. Other places also have IFSCDs. Like Whole Foods.

Now a brief review on all the shit you can make.

Breakfast:

Toast and Eggs
Breakfast Burrito.
Eggs in a Whole6

You only have three options here, but Jesus would eat them and now you can too. Not to mention, what on earth are you doing thinking about breakfast? You wake up at two. Side note that is too important to be a side note: Eating cereal at any hour of the day is ok. If someone tries to tell you otherwise, shoot first, and ask questions later. They probably vote(d) Republican.

Lunch:

Chicken sandwich.
Chicken Fried Rice
Fajitas
Egg sandwich.
Beans and Rice
Tacos
Chicken Burrito

Dinner:

See lunch you poor bastard. Do you think I was going to make something from, *The Joy of Cooking* for dinner? Like i was going to write fresh hot new dinner recipes7? You probably eat twice a day, once at 3pm and once at 10:30pm. You are not a traditional human, why should you be restricted by traditional meal naming guidelines. My meals are generally some combination of brunch, dunch, or midnight lunch. Dinner is something you eat at a table with people you care about. Dunch you eat over the sink, morbidly alone, with salsa, hot sauce, and bean juice dripping all over your chest.

Now let me digress into the real. You probably shop in the afternoon or early evening. Which means you will be making dinner first. Let’s say you decide to make chicken and rice. It needs to go something like this:

Put a cup of rice in the rice cooker. Add water. Turn it on. It takes half an hour. I usually wait fifteen minutes before I start the rest of the procedure. But if it’s the first day since you bought your groceries go ahead and cut up the peppers and onions into whatever shapes you like. I freestyle. Put the chopped up stuff into your IFSCD, what you don’t use will go into the fridge and be used throughout the week.  I generally do all of my vegetable cutting right after I get my groceries because if I don’t they will die alone. I prefer they die in my poop. This is also a good time to take out the trash. Or have a whiskey. Ok. Go time. Put on your serious face. Chop up some garlic, put it in a pan with some olive oil. Dip into your IFSCD and throw some of that in the pan. While that’s going on, chop your chicken into slices or chunks or whatever shape you really want. I like boobs.  Place your boobs into the oil. This is a good time to get high if that’s your thing. If not just closely watch the boobs cook in the oil.  Cooking is hot. Cook that shit on medium. I know I just said cooking is hot, but right now cooking is medium. I like to put some soy sauce, sriracha, and sesame oil in there as well. Anyway your first meal is ready now. It’s some sort of white trash chicken and garlic dish. Hopefully it won’t kill you.

Let’s assume that dinner was a success and you managed to get all the food onto a plate by yourself and into your face and you have yet to choke and die and are now resting comfortably on your couch trying as hard as possible to not overdose on heroin. Success. Fade to Black.

14 hours later. Cut to Bright White.

Holy shit, I bet you are hungry. But you really don’t want to eat the same thing you had last night even though you know you need to eat your leftovers. I have good news. I am here to lead you to the promised land. Turn that fucking pan back on, it’s time to party.

Get out remaining chicken breast, leftover cooked rice, an egg, and some soy sauce. Cut the chicken up into little pieces. Or just rip it apart like an animal if you aren’t quite awake enough yet to trust yourself with a knife. Put them all in the pan together. Make them get all up, on, and inside each other. Holy Shit! What’s this man? Sex? No, close though, it’s fucking fried rice. The ultimate Brunch hangover food. The best part? It almost  completely masks the fact that the chicken you made last night tasted like balloons.

Don’t stop here though. Get creative. Put a He-Man on your chicken sandwich, maybe steal some lettuce, toss a salad. Try some new meat8. Put some spice in your life. Maybe experiment with potatoes9. I am not a visionary. I am just a man who clearly possesses great depths of wisdom and the desire to pass it on. I know there is another generation out there, eating dry ass ramen noodles straight out of the bag. You don’t have to do that anymore. You have been saved. You are here now, inside The Book of Tom: A Starving Artist’s Guide to Life and the Afterlife. Now just sit back, relax, and take it.

[^1]: You can still go there occasionally for the food bar and to smile creepily at pretty girls and not talk to them. I’m not an unreasonable man. This is a very loose system.
[^2]: Never forget the real reason you became an artist. Sex.
[^3]: This can also be substituted for any other meats. Or Tofu if you are a loser.
I recently found out I like tofu, but have known for awhile I am a loser.
[^4]: Improvisation is one of the best parts of life. Life is supposed to be fun. Buy a ring pop and some chocolate milk or just ten cans of whip cream to huff.
[^5]: Cylons: The original villain in Battlestar Galactica. They come in various models. The original centurion, which basically looks like an unpainted and un-caped Darth Vader model. The correct racial slur here is toaster.  Or there are ones who look human, aka skinjobs. You could actually be one of these if you are good looking enough. No one even knows until the second they are activated. One day you are laying on your couch watching Hoarders and all of a sudden you hear “All Along the Watchtower”, except it’s coming from the fucking walls, and you can’t stop saying things like, “There’s too much confusion”, or, “I can’t get no relief.” And boom. You realize you are a Cylon. And you thought being black was hard.
[^6]: also known by the following names: The Glory Hole, Bull’s Eye Eggs, Cowboy Eggs, Egg in Toast,  Hide-An-Egg-In-A-Gaping-Anus-Shape, One Eyed Willy, One-Eyed Jacks, Moon Eggs, Rocky Mountain Toast, Bread Dick Holder
[^7]: That’s in *The Book of Tom Again: How to Be Magnificent and Rich*. I’m kind of still doing the research for that one or something.
[^8]: I’m sorry. I tried to resist it. I did. But she said it. Not me.
[^9]: That sounds so incredibly dirty that I did a search for potato porn. This is what I came back with http://www.pornstarorpotato.com/ and https://www.facebook.com/pages/im-seamus-heaney-and-for-a-living-i-make-potato-porn/103178389730429 The internet rules!

  1. You can still go there occasionally for the food bar and to smile creepily at pretty girls and not talk to them []
  2. Never forget the real reason you became an artist. Sex. []
  3. This can also be substituted for any other meats. Or Tofu if you are a loser. []
  4. Improvisation is one of the best parts of life. Life is supposed to be fun. Buy a ring pop and some chocolate milk or just ten cans of whip cream to huff. []
  5. Cylons: The original villain in Battlestar Galactica. They come in various models. The original centurion, which basically looks like an unpainted and un-caped Darth Vader model. The correct racial slur here is toaster.  Or there are ones who look human, aka skinjobs. You could actually be one of these if you are good looking enough. No one even knows until the second they are activated. One day you are laying on your couch watching Hoarders and all of a sudden you hear “All Along the Watchtower”, except it’s coming from the fucking walls, and you can’t stop saying things like, “There’s too much confusion”, or, “I can’t get no relief.” And boom. You realize you are a Cylon. And you thought being black was hard. []
  6. also known by the following names: The Glory Hole, Bull’s Eye Eggs, Cowboy Eggs, Egg in Toast,  Hide-An-Egg-In-A-Gaping-Anus-Shape, One Eyed Willy, One-Eyed Jacks, Moon Eggs, Rocky Mountain Toast, Bread Dick Holder []
  7. That’s in The Book of Tom Again: How to Be Magnificent and Rich. I’m kind of still doing the research for that one or something. []
  8.  I’m sorry. I tried to resist it. I did. But she said it. Not me. []
  9. That sounds so incredibly dirty that I did a search for potato porn. This is what I came back with http://www.pornstarorpotato.com/ and https://www.facebook.com/pages/im-seamus-heaney-and-for-a-living-i-make-potato-porn/103178389730429 The internet rules! []

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