Dear Close Friend Who Has Made the Decision to Take His Fiancé Out to Dinner on Valentine’s Day Instead of Playing in Our Men’s League Basketball Game,
I have just been made aware the reason you will be absent from tonight’s game, a must win if we want in on the playoffs. I just heard it is because of a date. A fucking date. Not just any ole date….A fucking Valentine’s Day date. You are missing the game for a date with your fiancé on a fucking hallmark bullshit holiday. I do not know where to or how to begin computing this information so that it makes sense to me. So, let me get this straight…the love of you life, the woman you are about to tell that you actually want to spend the rest of your god damn life with (forever….for-fucking-ever!) in front of all your family and friends would not understand if you told her that you want to take her out another night (lets just say Wednesday for example, this Wednesday even….like in 1 fucking day!) instead….a night when not every asshole who managed to corral a date is out for dinner because society tells them that they have to. You would think she could possibly get behind that idea, right? You really can’t have that conversation as two adults in a loving binding committed relationship? You really think she wouldn’t understand? And if not…you gotta be fucking up elsewhere. Are you not fucking her right? Is that it? That could possibly be it.
And use your fucking head. These are the days that precedence is set. These are the days you set up the rest of your life! You don’t let her drive the Cadillac for the first couple of years then suddenly slip her the Accord. That is how shit falls apart. That, in my opinion, is the reason it does not work more than 50 % of the time. Because people are not honest. They are not honest about who they are or what they are going to give in the relationship. You think in 5 years (when we probably wont be fucking playing anymore as age and responsibilities thicken like a Sunday sauce over time) you will be choosing a Valentine Day date over a surefire must win (I ran the numbers….if we lose winning out probably won’t even patch the hole in our sinking ship). Not a chance. Not a fucking chance.
And (another thing!) it is not like our diligent captain, armed with a boat load of foresight, didn’t God Damn put out a wide birth of notice that we had a game conflicting with the most bullshit holiday (that doesn’t involve people God, Jesus, or whatever fairy tale people buy into) that ever was created to push merchandise during a post Christmas (don’t even get me started there) lull in consumer spending. He sure as hell sent a warning….made it loud and clear….early and often.
You are better than this. Much fucking better. You have always had an air of smugness to the ways of “normal” society and how people act (no one is more excitedly vocal to hate Avatar and shit like that that EVERYONE loves) and watching you slip into that fold in a time where you are needed by your friends (the term core you throw around so often makes me sick right now) is not just disappointing….but telling.
Russell Stover wins. The pajamagram people win. Jerod the Jeweler wins. The florist and the people who make the heart shaped balloons that say ‘I Love you’ that always get stuck in power lines and in seagull’s throats fucking win. Our opponents win. And our team loses. And your angry yet often witty commentary on the world’s assholes and their obnoxious conforming behavior is also lost. R I fucking P.