by: Catfish Mcdaris1
Two whimsical offerings of flash-fiction that provide a window into the life and follies of a man named Quick…
Quick told me about the time he was persuaded to enter a jalapeno eating contest at the New Mexico State Fair. Before he could continue his story, he had an uneven grin on his face and he sort of wiped invisible sweat off his brow. He said he swallowed fifty one peppers mostly without chewing. Quick said this little Mexican woman that won, ate eighty seven. She got the trophy, the hundred dollars, and ate one more pepper, just for the hell of it. Quick said, “That night my stomach felt like an earthquake and a volcano were having a fist fight. The next day all those pepper seeds started flowing from me like molten lava.” He stuck ice cubes up his ass to no avail. Finally he spotted a can of Solarcaine in the bathroom closet. He sprayed half a can up his rump. It worked like magic, cooling his butthole down in relief. I told Quick about an adventure I had in Mexico and getting rolled for my wallet. I walked south of Juarez, looking for work. I saw a farm of hot peppers. They were growing, arbol, ancho, guajillo, chipotle, cayenne, and piquin. They gave me a bag to fill and told me I’d be paid twenty pesos a day. I worked until lunch time and they built a little fire and warmed beans, tortillas, and some goat. The food was delicious. After drinking a lot of water, I had to relieve myself. They pointed behind a cottonwood tree. All the workers seemed to be smiling. When I touched myself, it felt like someone had taken a blowtorch to my crotch. I yelled for help. One man came to my aid with a sack of salt and some tortillas. He motioned for me to rub the salt on my afflicted parts. I grabbed a tortilla and started masturbating like a sex crazed lunatic. All the Mexicans were laughing so hard in tears, I started laughing too and before I knew it the heat had stopped.
Blowing the Dog
Carol was Quick’s first cousin. She was a real square and a holy roller. Sometime she’d drag her kids from door to door passing out religious pamphlets or go to the airport and preach loud with her bible. Quick grew up with her, so he tried to overlook her proclivities. At funerals and weddings there was no avoiding Carol and her brood, her husband reminded him of a quiet Nazi. Carol’s sister, Gabby told Quick about her dog adventure. Carol had tried to breed French poodles, but after her third child she didn’t want dogs in the house. She sold off all her pooches, except one, Pierre. The Nazi built the doggie an insulated dog house with thick plastic for a door flap. He spread hay for the dog to use as a potty area. One winter night, the temperature dropped down to negative thirty degrees. Carol’s children and husband pleaded with her to let the dog inside, but she refused. That morning they found Pierre, damn near dead. His poor testicles were frozen solid. The Nazi put the dog on the kitchen table and started rubbing Pierre’s balls. Carol blew warm air on his furry frozen nuts. Finally he thawed out and Carol said it was a miracle.
Catfish McDaris won the Thelonius Monk Award in 2015. His 25 years of published material is in the Special Archives Collection at Marquette University in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. His most infamous chapbook is Prying with Jack Micheline and Charles Bukowski. His ancestors are from the Aniwaya Clan of the Cherokee Nation.
- Header art by Chris Thompson. [↩]